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Go to the Mattresses :: Overcoming Obstacles Vs. Untapped Potential


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The first post in this series:
The Business Boxing Match :: Success vs. Failure

The second post in this series:
Fight the Inner Battle :: Sneaky Tools to Win

The third post in this series:
Go to the Mattresses :: Overcoming Obstacles vs. Untapped Potential

The fourth post in this series:
Claim the Victory :: Embrace your Success

This is my third post in my Values Conflicts series, and today we go to the mattresses. Last week I wrote a post about asking tough questions of our ourselves and of our readers. Today I’m going to do just that. It’s a long post and I suggest you read it, print it out and take it to a quiet room when the kiddos are napping or when you have some quiet time for yourself. You will need to dedicate an hour or two to this process.

This series, and especially this post, is for those of you who are serious about overcoming obstacles and serious about taking your business to the next level. If you’re just interested, you may want to skip to some of my funny posts. If you’re committed to making a shift, read further.

You will never go for your dreams - business or personal - as long as you have more pain associated to achieving them than you do to not achieving them. So the bad news is that it’s time to associate some pain to not achieving your dreams. The good news is that your dreams are on the other side of this pain. :-)

Think back on all of the missed opportunities, untapped potential, and half finished projects you may have experienced over the last few years in your business. What has stopped you? Fear? Procrastination? Overwhelm?

How much have you lost out on, because these emotions came up and hijacked your plans?

What has your lack of focus and procrastination cost you in terms of dollars, drained energy, and failed projects?

How is your fear holding back the growth of your business? How is it affecting your family and your health?

Your assignment from day one was to name your top six avoidance values. I want you to go to that list right now, and choose just one that you know in your heart is holding you back the most. I’m about to walk you through a series of seven questions, most of which will make you feel like crap. You can’t say I didn’t warn you. ;)

Your assignment for today is to walk yourself through these seven questions. I will also dive into my old journal and reveal my own process of getting rid of self-doubt - quoting my own words exactly as written. I assure you it isn’t pretty.

If you start going through these questions, it’s rather important that you finish going through all of them. So commit now to doing all 7 before you begin because I don’t want to leave you in an emotional funk without resolution! (By the way don’t go through this process with “self-doubt” if it’s not on your list - go through these questions with your own “emotional worst enemy”.)

Onto the questions:

1 :: What does “X” mean to me specifically?

For example, what did self-doubt mean to me specifically? Here are some of my answers:

A feeling of not trusting myself. More specifically, I have opposing wants and needs and values and I do not trust myself to make the right decision.

I am unsure I can produce the results I want to produce.

A feeling of sadness as I wonder if not I am capable of making my dreams come true. And if I can’t, am I really enough to be loved as someone so insignificant?

Be specific in your answers, and come up with at least five.

2 :: What has to happen in order for me to feel “X”?

These are your “rules” - if ‘blank’ happens then I feel self-doubt. Such as:

The results I want don’t happen: these could be internal or external. I could want to feel productive, but be unable to do so. Or I could want to make a sale, but the sale falls through.

I have to lack an understanding of how a result will be achieved.

I might be able to see the result that I want, but I will be unable to feel that could really happen, or I question the validity or practicality of what I want.

Someone I care about questions my judgment or a decision I made.

You will notice that some of these rules are based on yourself - things that only you can control. And some will be based on others - things you can’t control. Just notice your rules, and notice who is in control of your emotions with the rules you currently have in place. Again five answers.

3 :: What benefit am I getting out of “X”?

You will find that we always do things because we get some value out of them. this is where you need to be dirt level honest with yourself, because it is important you understand why you make these choices. My benefits for self-doubt were:

I always have a compelling future, but rarely live it. I get to hold onto the illusion of my future perfect life rather than living in the moment where myself and my family needs me the most.

I get to keep my peer group, where I am important and significant, rather than risk being insignificant amongst a group of superstars.

I get to continue to blame myself and my circumstances, and get wrapped up in my “story” rather than risk uncertainty and just take action.

At this point, you will probably be crawling in your skin, as I certainly was. This stuff is hard to admit, but is critical to getting past it.

4 :: By indulging in “X”, what is it costing me?

Currently, all you see is the pain of action. Yet it is important that you get associated to the pain of inaction. So what was self-doubt costing me?

I am teaching my children to doubt themselves, not trust themselves, to live in fear and sabotage their own self-esteem by my example.

I am losing the great identity I worked so hard to create. I will never inspire others or lead them anywhere except mediocrity as long as I stay in self doubt.

I am leading an incongruent life as a trainer and leader. I question my own integrity, if I tell others to believe in themselves yet I am unwilling to believe in my own self.

At this point in the process, I was a blubbering, crying mess. You might be too. That’s okay. :-) Again, five answers.

5 :: What do I have to forget in order to feel “X”?

I’m going to shift gears here and going ask you to do something a little unexpected: get up and get a glass of water. Go walk around the house. Or simply stand up and shake your body out. I want you to shake off all the feelings I just brought up. Come back in less than 4 minutes and we’ll start building up your inner resources again from the ground up.

Now take a few moments, close your eyes and think of a time when you had one of your greatest successes. Picture the situation in your mind, make it bright and bring it close to your eyes. Say to yourself what you say when you are kicking butt and taking names! But the expression on your face you have when you know you ROCK, and there is nothing stopping you! Be sure to really get in touch with this moment before you move further.

Only now are you ready to answer this question, “What did I have to forget in order to feel self doubt?”

I have to forget that every decision I have made has served my highest good even when appearances initially seemed to appear otherwise.

I have to forget that I have already been totally successful in overcoming awful things in my past.

I have to forget that what I resist, persists, so that I’m actually accelerating and creating more self doubt by holding onto these feelings.

This question is so important, because you wouldn’t be where you are today if you hadn’t already achieved wonderful things and made some great decisions along the way. Remind yourself now of the accomplishments you have made, because you deserve acknowledgment for that. [[This is me hugging you if you need it right now]]

If you can come up with seven or eight answers that would be great, but again, make it a minimum of five. Push yourself if you have to.

6 :: Why be free of “X” now?

It’s time to create some leverage. We will do anything if we have a big enough “Why”. Until now, I let you off the hook with five answers for each question. On this one, you need to come up with a minimum of eight, if not ten answers if possible.

So why be free of self doubt now?

I don’t want to teach it and I cannot help but teach it if I don’t let it go.

I must find a way to motivate myself in positive ways.

I’m really lying to myself about who I think I am if I never do what it takes to actually succeed.

I will only look forward to living my dreams, but never actually experiencing them… cheating myself, my family and my Creator out of experiencing the authentic me and the life I was born to live.

It would remove a very large barrier to action.

If I succeed even a little bit, I will be being more true to myself than I have ever been before.

If I don’t let go of self doubt go it will be the biggest source of pain in my life, and my biggest regret.

You’re almost done! But push yourself to come up with enough answers until you get to a point where you can feel in your gut you know you have enough reasons to get rid of this completely disempowering, crappy, limiting avoidance value.

7 :: What are my new rules for “X”?

You are now going to consciously choose what has to happen in order for you to feel this avoidance value. And you’re going to make it so darn hard to feel that it will never get in your way again!

The key to creating these new rules is using words like “and”, “consistently”, “always”, “must” and “never”. One other key - create these rules so that you are in charge - you simply can’t creates rules that other people need to meet in order for you to feel a certain way. You will never be in charge of yourself, or your business, if you base your emotions and reactions on others’ choices.

So now what has to happen in order for me to feel self-doubt?

I must consistently show no progress towards my results and my goals.

I must consistently focus only on my past failures, and consistently always forget my past successes.

I must never be willing to learn from my prior mistakes, and consistently find no value in my life to date.

I must consistently ignore every single thing my heart tells me to do.

I must consistently forget all of the love, happiness, success and contribution I have experienced by following my heart in the past.

Only when I choose to do ALL of the above things will I feel self-doubt. If even one of these things aren’t done, I will NOT feel self-doubt.


Whew! I have walked myself through this process with several different avoidance values. Each time I get through all seven questions, I feel like the world has been lifted off my shoulders.

It’s kind of like I have been on a path to a goal, with a big brick wall in the way. I would constantly stop and try to break down the wall with a hammer - or even a jackhammer for that matter! But after going through this process, it’s like the wall has vanished into thin air.

By going to this process, we’ve just eliminated one of your highest avoidance values. You probably feel like celebrating, but we are not done yet. You can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the hard part is over, though!

It is important to “be responsible” as we get rid of his mental junk. We hold onto avoidance values for a reason - they meet our needs in various ways. If we don’t get rid of an avoidance value and replace it with something positive, we risk getting sucked right back into old ways.

Tomorrow I will help you to identify the basic needs you were meeting with this avoidance value and put a plan of action into place to meet that same need in positive ways.

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  • Fight the Inner Battle :: Sneaky Tools to Win
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    On September 21st, 2006 at 1:02 pm, Sharla said:

    Wow. Thanks for such an eye opening post.

    On September 21st, 2006 at 6:27 pm, cjcm said:

    I read this post 3 times last night…still trying apply this to my Procrastination avoidance value…so much meat to chew…it’ll take some time to digest…:)
    Thx Wendy.

    On September 21st, 2006 at 6:43 pm, eMom said:

    CJCM - I’m “out of the office” for the next three days at that sales training. But shoot me an email with any questions you may have - I’ll have internet access over the weekend (I think). If you’re still stuck on Monday, we can chat via IM. :)

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