Damien Riley On Work Life Balance

Damien Riley is a dad, teacher, and author living in California with his wife, a son and two daughters.

Damien shares his gift of writing at his personal blog, Postcards from the Funny Farm, as well as his weekly blog named Cheese Enchiladas. His passion for blogging is contagious, as his wife discovered and subsequently started Party of Five.

In addition to spending time with the family, he enjoys playing the guitar and cherishes the opportunity to indulge in strip mall pizza every now and then.

Damien recently took a break from his schedule to share a few of his thoughts and experiences on finding his own balance between work and personal time.

Can you please tell me a little about your family? How many kids do you have? How old are they?

We have five total in our family. I have three great kids: a boy, 10 and two girls: The oldest is three and the youngest is eight months. The gap between the boy and his sisters is really helpful for us, he’s able to really help us care for them with little things and they idolize their big brother.

Can you provide a little bit of background on your career and professional interests?

I’m a public elementary school teacher. I’ve been interested in education since about 1995 when I finished my BA at Cal State Fullerton, CA. I started subbing then, I was 25, and in a couple years I thought teaching was a fit. I guess that year I started was coincidentally the year I started making websites as well. I made a school website on Geocities. Man it seems like such a long time ago. Blogs were starting about that time but mostly they were technical diaries. I mention blogs because I currently keep 2 blogs: Postcards from the Funny Farm and Cheese Enchiladas. These have evolved into professional interests for me through the years. To sum it up, I’ve been a teacher for 9 years, I have an MA in rhetoric and I feel very satisfied in my work.

How would you define work-life balance?

What an amazing question, that’s why I like this site so much. Balance is key to family. For me its mostly a mental thing. As a teacher there is often drama going on at work that I try to avoid. Parents, bosses, unions, bad behavior, gossip … it’s all there exponentially. When I get home and my kids run up and hug my neck, I have to forget all that and be present for them. I think when we as dads can find the strength to shut work out completely when we are home we actually make ourselves stronger.

Furthermore, our work ironically benefits when we disconnect and come back “filled up” with the stuff from our family. A lot of guys I know miss this point it seems and they strain and strain about work while at home and I don’t think they are fooling anybody. To sum it up, I always say to leave work at work, it’s not going anywhere right? Wait … maybe I read that on Dad Balance Make it right at home and work will follow.

Do you feel that dads have a harder time achieving work-life balance than moms? If so, how?

I think women with kids have it harder because most seem to consider more than their husbands. Women are caretakers and they carry an element of responsibility for the kids and the family that I see less of in myself. I try and I am sure I do a good job of considering their needs, but in my family, the wife is the one making sure all the right stuff is packed in the bags etc. and so I would say based on the fact that they see more to do, women have a harder time.

What do you personally find is your biggest struggle to achieving a healthy work-life balance?

Well, I spend a lot of time on my laptop. It is great but it takes a lot of time some days. Last year I taught myself php, css, and the inner workings of WordPress. I recently started creating my own themes and sandbox skins. But none of that is really important to my kids. I see them get bigger every day and I get pensive about my computer time. I recently started setting aside days and times for my son where he and I play his GameCube and play catch. I actually even recently helped him start a blog: “Ripstik Rider.” He loves it and he’s learning typing and writing skills.

I think the best way to keep work-life balance regarding the computer is just to be aware of it as a potential time-stealer and then get off it when you sense that’s happening. I’m pretty good at leaving my teaching at work, but my relatively new blogging work has been more of a challenge. I excuse it by saying I can make money to give my kids more stuff, but I think time spent with them is so much more valuable. The other day my three year old jumped on my lap as I was tweaking my site and said, “Hey dad, are you on your blog?” I immediately set it aside and gave her horsie rides for a half an hour or so.

What do you remember from your own childhood with regard to your dad’s work-life balance? Was he around or always busy working? How has that influenced your own views on the subject?

My dad was a probation officer for the county and a real estate agent. He always made time for me and my 3 siblings. He taught me to play guitar and he used to really help me with my math homework. He’s very analytical whereas I am more of an artistic dreamer. I can honestly say that I had the best role model in a dad. I still do. He just turned 62 and he’s a sales manager for a local builder.

How have you learned to identify when your work-life balance is too far out of balance in one direction?

I’d like to think that I can see that for myself but sometimes I get shaken up by my wife. She’ll let me know when I am doing too much at work or on the blogs. If I think she’s wrong I will tell her but the truth is, she’s usually right. I take her opinion very seriously and she is kind of like a barometer for my life-work balance. She has a blog too but she doesn’t spend nearly as much time as I do.

Lately, to keep my own sanity and balance I’ve started using a treadmill. It’s so amazing in that 30 minutes. I get ideas about work and family and then put them into practice when I get off. I have a lot of passionate hobbies and I think they keep me centered as well. I think my kids respect me because I do a lot of stuff that I can show them like computers and guitar.

What is one of the biggest mistakes that you have made with regard to work-life balance?

Not doing what I said I would do. If I tell my son we will play together an hour after I get home then everything needs to stop to make that happen.

Have you faced any stigmas or criticism for focusing on your own work-life balance? Do you think focusing on your family has impacted your career? If so, how?

In a way, kids ensure success. You have them as motivation. Having a wife and kids has enhanced my professional “persona” and everyone at my work adores my kids. In a way, they are the best thing about me at work.

What is one thing that you wish you knew at an earlier age with regard to work-life balance? That is to say, what is one piece of advice that you would give to a new dad as he struggles to find his work-life balance?

I wish I knew to not share personal things with co-workers as much. There’s something so special between a husband and wife and when I used to share every little detail with my co-workers (sometimes female) I think I inadvertently made my wife feel as if I didn’t care as much about her. I’m much more subdued at work now and when I have a truly exciting experience I make sure I try and call my wife to share it with her first. She’s the most important person in my life. I think relationships at work are great but to an extent people really are just putting on a nice face. Family is real and that needs to be remembered. Make it good at home and work will follow.

How has your work life balance changed since you had kids and do you think it has changed for the better or worse?

I think I already covered this but I’ll say one more thing on having a wife and kids: They make life harder but to the very degree that it gets harder, it gets better that it ever could have been when you were single.

Do you think your work life balance has changed as your kids have gotten older? How?

Well, I’ve only been doing this for 6 years but I will say it’s gotten more complicated. My mom always says “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” I think that is a great way to encapsulate fatherhood: Yes, it’s tougher through the years, but you gain strength, wit, candor, and patience that makes you happier and more interesting. I’m looking forward to all the years to come with my three lovelies (my nickname for them).

How important do you think it is to find time for just you and your spouse without the kids?

LOL. I think its highly important but we don’t do it enough. As a husband your wife needs to be topic A priority. All other family greatness comes after that or it doesn’t come at all. We are making plans right now to go see a movie and have dinner for Valentines day. I need to do that more all year.

What tips do you have to “unplug” from work? Can you completely unplug?

Pocket pads are amazing for capturing creative ideas throughout the day. We have an island in our kitchen where I always keep a good pen and a pad. If I am wrestling with my son or playing with my daughters and I get some “epiphany” on how to teach something, I just go write one or two words which will serve as triggers later when I can get back to work 100%. I never check work email when I am at home. If I do, it only creates more stress to solve problems that usually will be solved on their own before I ever go back. It took me a while to learn the value of this rule. I don’t waver anymore.

What activities and/or interests do you pursue as a means of relaxation?

The treadmill, hot showers, photography walks, blogging/writing, guitar, piano, DVD’s, TiVo.

Thanks for the opportunity. I have a long way to go toward Dad Balance but at least I know the general direction and I want to get there. I know having Dad Balance on my Google Reader is a good thing for my family.

Damien, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences regarding work, family, and how you have learned to find your own work life balance.